26

yesterday was my birthday. i am now all of 26 years old. it was a perfect family day, just the four of us. we went to the festival of lights, dinner and ended with a short trip to the mall.

i couldn't stop thinking how wonderfully blessed i am and wishing i could freeze time, so i could have that warm happy feeling in my heart forever. lately, my heart has been so heavy with sadness it was a welcome change. last month i had a miscarriage. it was not my first or second...

corey and i weren't planning on having more kids but it was a very welcome surprise when those two lines appeared. things were going well, we had even seen the babies sweet little heart beat at 6 weeks. then when we went back to check on the progress of the pregnancy at 8 weeks, there was only still silence on the screen. my heart literally broke in that room. it was devastating.

we decided to do genetic testing and we found that i have a chromosome defect. this defect makes it extremely difficult for me have children without medical intervention and that i gave birth to two healthy children on my own, is basically a miracle. when corey and i were given this news we decided to close the door on growing our family. so, for the past month not only have i been grieving the loss of my baby but all the babies i will never have.

grief is a strange thing. sometimes i feel like i am turning a corner and then the tiniest thing happens, like finding a baby sock in the bottom of gracie's drawer and that pain in my chest starts to hurt so bad again that it takes my breath away. i know it will get better and the light at the end of this dark tunnel is coming, even if i can't see it yet.