he died when he was six days old.
I remember the first time i saw him. all of 1 pound 10 ounces which seemed to be to much for how small he was. he had long fingers and toes just like my sister katie. he even had her perfect oval finger nails and the tiniest swirl of dark brown hair just like her. when i try and picture him now, i imagine he would look just like her small and thin with darker skin then the rest of us and lots of spunk. oh and of course he would wear glasses.
he was so sweet and small. I remember standing by his little isolate when he was baptized at just hours old by the non-denominational paster at the hospital. just my dad and i there.
a few days later i visited him and was able to put my hands in and touch him and when i laid my hand next to his hand and his little tiny fingers grasped my pinkie so tight. it is my fondest memory of him. and sometimes when i try really hard i can almost remember what that felt like.
i don't visit his grave very often. i wish i had a good reason why but i don't. When he died and we buried him there i remember feeling sick just thinking about leaving him. i wanted to lay on the grass on top of where he was because i didn't want him to be alone. later that day or week or month, i can't recall it is all kind of blurry, i told my mom how i hated to leave him there and she told me, "joanna, don't worry about him he isn't there in the ground he is so happy where he is in heaven.
it is nice to have a tangible place to put flowers and remember him but i don't need to go there to think of him. i talk to him and think of him everyday. like when we do something fun as a family i always wonder if he saw us together. or when my babies where little and i would be awake with them in the middle of the night and i would thank him so very much for watching over them and for sending me the absolute best ones because i just know he had a hand in my perfect babies.
sweet baby i love you so much it hurts. i miss you more then you could imagine. i will see you in my dreams.
your fairy godmother
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